My awkward artistry

We all have our own unique talents. Not everyone has a particularly marketable skill set but, nonetheless, we all have our own area of expertise.

For instance, some people are great cooks, others are fantastic mechanics, and still others are adept musicians. I am none of these. But I do have my own gift: I am really, really awesome at creating awkward situations. I am a connoisseur — nay, an artist — of awkwardness. I can take any scenario and, in the blink of an eye, make everyone in the room extremely uncomfortable.

Perfect example: I was just in line at the coffee shop. The lady in front of me went to pay for her six gallon cup of frozen caffeinated sugar, and her card was declined. Awkward already, for sure, but wait until I come in. Standing behind her in line, and being the gentleman that I am, I offered to pay for her drink. She declined, I insisted, she finally accepted graciously. I told the dude behind the counter to fix me a cup of large coffee and add it to her order, then I’d pay for us both. I even asked the lady if she wanted anything else. This was a moment of inspiring chivalry. Then he rang us up and I… just then realized that I didn’t have my card in my wallet or any cash on me at all. Now, not only could I not pay for mine, but I couldn’t pay for hers. See? Only a Master of Embarrassment could pull off a move like this.

The guy working the cash register at this point had enough of both of us, and told us to just take the coffees and go. For the record, I found my debit card laying on the ground a few minutes later. It fell out of my wallet when I was looking for my bonus card. I did go back to pay for everything. But the awkward could not be un-awkwarded. Not that I’d want it to be. This is what I do. I make awkward situations. It’s both my hobby and my passion. And I’m damn good at it.