My Top Four Reasons to Love Obama

What a great day to be an American! I’m so proud of President Obama. I know, I know, you’re probably thinking that the inauguration of Obama will only herald in four more years of depression, death and misery. You might even be calling Obama names like “unconstitutional Socialist tyrant”, “coercive despot”, “child-exploiting charlatan”, “drone bombing madman”, “thieving crook”, “uncontrollable debt increasing monster”, “overzealous Christophobic progressive crusader”, “First Amendment destroying barbarian”, “pillaging welfare pimp” or “gluttonous food stamp king”. Well, first of all, HOW DARE YOU. HE’S THE PRESIDENT. We’re supposed to love and admire him and attack anyone who insults him. You know, just like the Founders did with King George. Second, have you forgotten about all that he’s done for us? You ungrateful brats.

Let me jog your memories by listing some of his AWESOME accomplishments from the last four years:

1) He took office promising to get control of the national debt and has instead increased it by 6 and a half trillion dollars. Some may see this as a negative but what they fail to realize is that Obama has a master plan that his critics are too stupid to comprehend. Imagine you’re in a really, really deep hole. You can try to climb out but that would take a lot of energy and effort. Or you could keep digging until you hit China. You see? Sometimes you can get out of a hole by digging yourself deeper. Obama wants to keep plunging us into debt until we come out on the other end and we’re in China. Or owned by China, in this case.

2) After four years of Obama, 120 million people are on welfare, 50 million are on food stamps including 1/4 of all the children in the entire nation, 9 million are on disability and the unemployment rate has not dropped below what it was when he took office. In other words, there have been millions more added to the welfare rolls than an employer’s payroll. Meanwhile, Obama’s USDA has been working hard to advertise the food stamp program, especially to immigrants. What a splendid situation! Let’s increase the burden on middle class families by putting more and more people on fiscally and ethically bankrupted entitlement programs. Brilliant! The idea, of course, is to completely disincentivize people from attempting to live independent of the government by making freedom less and less profitable and desirable. After all, much is made about freedom and independence but nobody ever has the guts to step up and talk about the glory of dependency and economic slavery. Nobody until Obama, that is. Forget Independence Day, we should have a Dependence Day. Ah, but who am I kidding? Every day is Dependence Day in the new America. The new America where I have more of a right to your money than you do. And if you complain about that, you’re obviously an “-ist”. Racist, sexist, terrorist, take your pick.

3) Obama was elected on an anti-war agenda but decided to keep troops in Afghanistan while spending his four years deploying our military to additional countries like Uganda and Yemen. He also ramped up the drone program and obliterated hundreds of Pakistani villages. He signed the NDAA which gave the military the authority to arrest and detain Americans without charge or trial. And, for the first time ever, a US president ordered the assassination of American citizens, one of which was a minor. Now many have called us rabid Obama supporters “hypocrites” and “cowards” and “frauds” and “sniveling political shills” and “disgraceful sellouts” all because we’ve faithfully supported a man who has been, without a doubt, more of a warhawk than Dick Cheney and John McCain combined. Well, what you people don’t understand is that Obama had GOOD REASONS to obliterate the 4th amendment and deploy our military to even more countries after promising to bring them home. What are those good reasons? Well he’s the president. That’s reason enough. Oh you don’t think so? Tell me, how long have you been a RACIST? Ha. Checkmate once again, my good sir.

4) While in office Obama made the courageous decision to arm Mexican drug lords, Libyan terrorists, Syrian militants and a Ugandan dictator, all while lecturing about the need for “responsible gun control”. Sure, some critics have said he shouldn’t be shipping machine guns to nefarious characters all over the world if he wants to sermonize about the dangers of gun violence. Well these critics are wrong again. The fact is, law abiding US citizens are far more likely to murder people than any of the folks I just listed. I mean, seriously, when was the last time you heard about a drug cartel member, a Muslim Radical or an African despot killing anyone? Besides when they kill our ambassadors, possibly with the weapons we gave them. Besides that, it NEVER happens. Do some research for a change.

OK. Now do you remember why you should love this guy? And these are only a few examples. I didn’t even say anything about, for instance, the fact that taxes just went up on middle class Americans after the President promised they wouldn’t. Thank God! The government will surely make better use of that 50 bucks a week than I ever could. Diapers for my children? Psssh. Not when politicians need that cash to bribe AARP members. And I didn’t even get a chance to mention the billions of middle class tax dollars funneled to mega-rich corporations, all while the “anti-corporation” progressives stayed deafeningly silent. And surely you can’t forget about the record amount of government dough shipped to Planned Parenthood, as they proceeded to abort a record number of babies.

What a wonderful four years. What a wonderful day. Much like Michelle Obama, I like to wear fancy wigs and go on tax funded vacations every 12 days. Also, just like her, I’m finally proud to be an American now that Obama has shaped this country in his image.

Amen.