Of Death and Comb Overs

In the past day I have seen three guys with absolutely bodacious comb overs. Yes, I just used the term “bodacious”. I don’t know why. It just seemed appropriate. And I’ve always wanted to be a Ninja Turtle.

Anyway, listen fellas, let’s talk about this comb over thing. What are we accomplishing with it? It’s fools gold. It’s the equivalent of a 4 year old hiding behind the curtain during hide and seek. You’re not fooling anyone except yourself. Not to mention, you succeed in actually highlighting the very thing you’re attempting to conceal. It’s kind of like a chubby guy wearing a T-shirt in the pool. You might as well walk around with a giant sandwich board sign that says “I’M INSECURE”. You’re broadcasting your vulnerability like a storm siren.

Embrace it. You’re a bald guy. So what? Lot’s of people are bald. Nicholas Cage was going bald in The Rock and he killed like 40 terrorists in that movie. And then he started getting hair implants and next thing you know, Ghost Rider happened. I rest my case.

I say this as a man who will one day join your ranks. Maybe it’s easy now for me to speak like this but I believe, when your hair begins to say its long goodbye, you must handle it with class and dignity. Don’t be like a 15 year old boy who just got dumped by his high school girlfriend. Don’t cry and scream and cling onto your hair follicles, making tearful pledges and swearing you’ll be better to them if only they stay. Respect yourself, man.

Besides, everyone has physical insecurities and I think it would behoove all of us to learn this one very positive truth: nobody cares. That might seem like a negative message but truly it isn’t. Unless you’re a female pop star or actress, nobody cares that much about your big nose, or your pudgy waistline, or your bald head, or whatever. They only notice when you try to hide it. Otherwise they pass by you and think “oh, look, there’s some random person” and then they carry about their business and never consider your existence ever again. This is a beautiful reality, it really is. It means you can just look however you look and live your life without fears and fake tans.

I guess we all struggle to accept the inevitable, which is probably our greatest collective flaw. That’s why people cry on their death beds. I probably will. But I can only hope to embrace it because I have no other choice.

Stonewall Jackson, when he was told that he would die within the day, responded, “It is the Lord’s Day; my wish is fulfilled. I have always desired to die on Sunday.” And then right before he breathed his last, he whispered, “Let us cross over the river, and rest under the shade of the trees.” And then he died. Now that’s hardcore. Stonewall was the man. Hands down.

So, the moral of the story is to approach your baldness like Stonewall Jackson approached death. Or at least like Nicholas Cage approached rogue Marines in The Rock.